July 2

Today is the due date of the 2nd baby that we lost. The pregnancy for this was very short. It was a Tuesday night that I took a pregnancy test & by Sunday morning it was gone. But even though it was a short time with little time to really connect to my baby, it is still special to me & deserves to be remembered.

It's hard knowing that I've got 4 different days each year that I will be remembering a loss.

Yes, that's right. I said 4.

There was recently a 4th loss that we haven't exactly been jumping to tell people. Because how do you just go & say "Oh by the way, we just had another miscarriage."? But at the same time it's been extremely difficult to have to deal with that grief on your own.

I won't go into all the details of what happened leading up to it because even though I have no qualms anymore about things like this, for others it may just be TMI (too much information).

Basically I took a pregnancy test thinking it was to confirm that I wasn't pregnant but instead the + showed up immediately. I immediately freaked out & was shaking & crying. The symptoms I was having was very close to what's called an ectopic pregnancy, where the fertilized egg gets stuck, usually in the fallopian tube, & can be very dangerous for the mother. I called the doctor's office & needless to say they were shocked. It was only a week before that I was in there getting those bloodwork results. They ordered bloodwork & by the end of the week confirmed that I was pregnant. My HCG level was 257 at which point I would have been only 4 weeks & 2 days along. But I knew the entire time it wasn't going to stick.

A couple days later I knew what was going on. I've been through this enough that I know what a miscarriage is.

Blood was drawn again & my levels went down to 41. Had it drawn again this past Monday & hopefully it will be back down to 0. This is something that wasn't done after the last miscarriage which is why we can't say 100% that this was a miscarriage. But I still believe it was.

I'm doing ok. I think I've had to remind myself of what happened because it hasn't seemed real. I had no real connection to it because I didn't even know most of the time if I was pregnant.

One thing we have learned is that despite how scary every pregnancy will be for us, we want to still tell our family & close friends. We didn't tell anyone about this one because we didn't know what was going on & now that we know it's hard going back & then telling. But it was absolutely eating me up to say nothing. It just helps getting it out.

So for now I am just finding other things to focus on, which I'm sure I will be blogging about in the near future.