I still get scared

I'm about to turn 18 weeks. That means I'm only 2 weeks away from the halfway point! As excited as I am about that, I still have fear that something will or has already happened to the baby.

Part of the problem is just having to wait 4 weeks between appointments. It was a relief at 14 weeks to go in, knowing I was finally at the 2nd trimester, & we heard the heartbeat. For most people they'd feel safe. But in the last couple weeks I've had some bad dreams that we lose the baby & they really get to me.

It doesn't help that the baby isn't big enough to give me some good solid kicks, although I do occasionally feel something, usually after eating. But that's not after every meal or snack & not every day.

Some people may wonder what's wrong with me. I'm way into my 2nd trimester so I should just relax, right?

All I can say is this is what 6 miscarriages will do to you. I'm sure when I see the doctor on Wednesday & we hear the heartbeat again I'll feel better. And then 2 weeks later when we see the baby on the ultrasound & hopefully know who it is I'll be on cloud 9. And once I start getting some solid kicks I'll feel like it's really happening. But I will probably still have days or just moments when I worry. I probably won't truly relax until this baby is out & crying. Just thinking of that moment brings me to tears.

But then I know that once the baby is born I'll just have whole new worries.

As if all our losses weren't already a trial of faith, this pregnancy certainly has been. First it was to just not rely on my symptoms. I remember the first time that I didn't feel sick that I was just certain something was wrong. But 2 hours later I got sick. Sometimes I would just pray to God that He'd get me feeling sick so I'd feel better. Now I'll worry when I don't feel kicks.

I'm still learning to not have faith in symptoms but to have faith in God. And I'm so glad that He is patient with me when I don't remember to rely on Him all the time.