The Hardest Post Ever

**Inhale**

**Exhale**

That’s what I keep thinking to help hold myself together & not fall apart.

Only one hour after posting my last blog, the one I had waited so long to write, I found some brown spotting. Immediately I freaked. Blood of any color will turn any pregnant woman into a panic. I checked 10 minutes later & there was nothing. So I tried to hope that it was just some old blood leftover from the ultrasound just 3 days earlier. But it continued.

Jeremy had to work that day. There had been a big storm that blew through the day before & he was called in to start at 6am. Glad as we were for him to make the extra & much needed money, it couldn’t have been on a worse day for him to be away from me. I waited 2 hours before calling him & was just a mess. I hated having to call him because I didn’t want to ruin his day & cause him to worry. He tried to calm me down the best he can & called him mom to come stay with me till he could get home, which wasn’t until 9:30pm.

The brown spotting continued through the night so we tried to stay positive & not give up hope. On Sunday we stayed home from church & kept me on the couch all day, only getting up to go to the bathroom. And it just got worse through the day. By that evening the cramping started & we knew at that point that it was over.

I can’t find a word that can describe how I feel. This has been the most painful loss both physically & emotionally. What hurts so much is that only 3 days before we saw our baby & everything looked fine. So we felt comfortable to finally announce it to the world. I felt a closer bond with this one. I was so sure that we were in the clear. This is the first time that I have questioned what I may have done to have caused it.

On Monday we went to the doctor & he confirmed with an ultrasound that we did indeed miscarry. He did still make us feel better to remind us that at his office they see it as a baby & we are right to grieve. But he also tried to nudge us into thinking of what we need to do next: test.

I am very glad that he’s not letting us go through another loss before testing. So on May 12th the testing will begin. As far as I know on that day it will just be bloodwork. He may later do another ultrasound & check my uterus to see if it is healthy. I look forward to finding answers but I’m also very scared that they may not find anything. And then what do we do?

Today I went back to work, reluctantly. But if you told me a week ago that I’d be back at work I’d say there’s no way. I was so sure that I wouldn’t get past this one & would just stay in bed everyday. Granted, for much of the week I remained on the couch but that was because I was in too much pain to do much of anything. But I truly believe in the power of prayer. There have always been many prayers lifted up for us, all over the country. There are our own families, our church family, & friends scattered abroad. It has been a blessing to have emails from friends, some that I don’t even know real well, just letting me know they are praying for us.

Once the bleeding started one thing I was fearful of was growing bitter towards God. And I think anyone can understand why someone would. So I’ve continually asked God to give me strength & to trust Him that, though I don’t understand why, He has total control over the situation & has a plan for us. It is still very difficult not to question God. I’ve asked God, “What are you trying to teach me that I have to go through this 3 times?”. The world would wonder why we would continue to serve a God Who allows something like this to happen. But we actually find comfort in knowing that He has control of it. When you know that God is completely sovereign over all it really takes a load of pressure of you & you know that it is completely out of your hands.

All eyes are on us now. Anyone that knows we’re Christians will watch to see how we react. Our time away for grieving was to be expected. But coming back to work people will see if we seem bitter. Fortunately for me I only have 1 co-worker. But Jeremy has quite a bit more. Plus, he has to deal with worldly advice & try to remain gracious.

We are thankful to have that ultrasound picture. Because even though we lost our baby we can show people who may see that as a piece of tissue & say that there was a heartbeat there & there was life inside of me. Tiny as it was it was life. I wonder if women who are contemplating abortion had an ultrasound & saw their child’s heartbeat would result in a drop the abortion rate. Maybe more tiny lives would be saved.

I feel the need to brag about my husband through all this. We have gone through 3 short pregnancies & losses now in just under a year. With each pregnancy I am fatigued & don’t get much done around the house. Then with each loss I’m mourning & still get nothing done. When I was taking prometrium I found it hard to do much then. It’s really hard for me to see dishes stack up in the sink or laundry not get done. This is my God-given duty & I hate neglecting it because I’m too tired & too upset to do anything. But Jeremy has been awesome. He’s done so much around the house for me without complaining. He wasn’t bothered by me not doing much around the house because he understood that it was too much for me. He was there for me for the physically painful times. I think it’s normal for men to want to be the fixer of all things but this was one thing that he couldn’t fix. So through the cramping he could just hold me & let me squeeze his hand through the pain. He was also there for me for the emotionally painful times. Ever now & then something will bring on the tears. Sometimes it’s nothing in particular, just overall sadness. He’s a good hugger. I am so thankful to have a wonderful husband to comfort me & also give me Godly counsel. I feel sorry for women out there that have clueless husbands.

If any of this seems a little scattered, well, it probably is. I’m not really thinking clearly yet. I’m just trying to make it through just one day at a time. Or for some days like today, just one hour at a time. I’m sure some people may be surprised that I would even blog about something so private. It’s like a form of therapy to get these thoughts out. And I still hope that God can use me to help someone else. I had thought of deleting my last post because initially it was embarrassing to announce it & then lose the baby. But I have no reason to be embarrassed. And that was still my baby & I can’t “delete” the memory of my baby.

Thank you for bearing with me through this post. Please keep us in your prayers.