What Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman

Ok, I know I'm not pregnant yet but I found this article & a lot of it I've thought of already. So let this just be a message to get out there that there are at least 10 thing that I don't want to hear when my blessed time comes.

1. "So...was it planned?" Besides the obvious privacy invasion (their birth control = none of your business), there's the unspoken — and uncalled for — judgment. As in,"You really think now is a good time for a child? And you seriously think you can handle it?" Keep the unsolicited opinions to yourself.

2. "Twins! IVF or natural?" No matter what her status is, in vitro fertilization is a touchy topic, so zip it. If she did have IVF, that means she had trouble getting pregnant on her own. Fertility issues are a pretty personal subject (if she wanted you to be in the know, she would've mentioned it by now). And if it wasn't IVF, she's likely had too many people assuming otherwise.

3. "30 weeks? You're still so small!" There's just no way to win here. Tell her she looks small, and she hears that the baby isn't getting enough nutrition and she's already a negligent mother. Don't apply this in reverse, though. Yes, she's aware she's gaining weight; yes, she knows it's a natural and healthy thing; and no, she doesn't want to hear about it from you.

4. "Speaking of pregnancy, did I ever tell you about my sister's 36-hour labor?" Skip the horror stories, please — she's got enough to be nervous about without listening to your nightmare tales. And, by the way, it's totally okay (preferable, even) to not have anything interesting or illuminating to tell her about pregnancy, childbirth, or parenting.

5. "Well, maybe next time it'll be a boy." Sorry, whose baby is this? Your gender preference is pretty much...no, entirely irrelevant. And rude! Anything less than unconditional happiness and support is best kept to yourself. And if she previously expressed hope for a different gender, there's no need to remind her — implying that she's not totally excited about the baby is a sure way to make her feel like a bad mommy.

6. "Felt any kicks yet [said while placing hand on her belly]?" We know, the belly rub is tough to resist...but please do. Normal rules of human interaction do apply when dealing with a pregnant person, so hands off. Okay, you're allowed to politely ask for a touch, but even that deserves a little thought. Under normal circumstances, would you feel comfortable physically interacting with her? Sporting a bump doesn't suddenly make her body public property.

7. "[Insert name]? Really? Hmm, that's an...interesting choice." Yes, we agree, she should've kept her baby name a secret if she didn't want feedback...but that doesn't let you off the hook. Unless she expressly asks for your opinion, keep it to yourself — choosing a name is hard enough without (unsolicited!) comments about how odd your grade-school classmate [insert name] smelled.

8. "That's a decaf latte, right?" Another one of those none of your business situations. Same goes for questioning her decision not to drink caffeine, if that's the case...because no matter what the circumstance, all she's going to hear is your implied judgment. We don't care how many scary headlines you've seen about caffeine during pregnancy; this conversation is appropriate only if you're her doctor.

9. "Let me know when you're at week 15. I'm praying this one works out." Yes, we've heard this line. And more than once! No matter how good your intentions, there's never never never an appropriate time to mention the risk of miscarriage or any previous losses. Trust us — she's well aware.

10. "Yeah, babies are cute and all, but just wait until puberty..." We're operating without a back button here...let's keep it positive, okay? Tell her how sweet babies are, talk about all the fun she'll have with her toddler, but please — nothing about the terrible twos or teenage mood swings. If she'd like your assistance when (and if) those things become a reality, she'll certainly seek it out. Until then, the small person growing in her belly offers more than enough to focus on.

I'd just like to make a comment about #9 since that one pertains to me the most.

As probably anyone can imagine, I am absolutely terrified about getting pregnant again. All I've known is disappointment when it comes to trying to have a baby. So naturally I'm going to remain fearful. I'll be looking for any possible signs of an impending miscarriage. Each doctor's appointment will be extrememly stressful. With every shot of blood thinner I take I'll pray that it is just the right dosage to keep my baby growing strong.

That being said, I absolutely will not need to be reminded that I am high risk, that my chances of miscarriage are greater than most women because of my multiple losses. I don't need to be told that I just need to make it to the 2nd trimester. If that was the case, then my doctor would only prescribe the blood thinners for that long. But they're for full term, which means I'm at risk of losing another baby throughout the pregnancy. That is an extremely scary thought!

So when my time comes & I tell you I'm pregnant (whether it's in person, phone call, or a delayed announcement on my blog), please don't remind me of my miscarriages. Please be excited & happy for me. It's going to be hard for me to come up with that emotion on my own so I will need all the help I can get. Tell me you'll be praying for me & then please do so. From past experience I can tell you that all of that makes a huge difference.