Coming out of hiding

It's been driving me nuts all week on whether or not I should start posting again. I've felt like I need to say something but then I tell myself that I don't need to say anything. And then I think, "Man, I must have the most depressing blog out there." But then I remember that it's my blog & I can do what I want with it & that sometimes I need this as a means of getting out thoughts or frustrations. So here goes.

Well, if you know my history by now you probably know why I went into hiding in the first place. Yes, we had yet another miscarriage. We found out on a Tuesday (after testing very early) & by Friday we knew from some bloodwork that we were about to lose it. And by Sunday we did.

I thought at this point I'd be numb to it but it doesn't get easier. All I can see is that I can't seem to do the thing that most women seem to be able to do so easily. I can understand why some women feel like they fail as a woman because child-bearing just seems like something we're "supposed" to be able to do. I know that's not true & God doesn't grant that to all but it's just some of the thoughts that go through my head when this first happens. Most of my thoughts at first aren't the most Biblical or rational.

So what's the plan now? Well, I am staying on the baby aspirin because we know that's needed. And I will be back on prometrium again. I took it before getting pregnant the 3rd time because they thought I might have a problem with producing progesterone but it wasn't totally confirmed. My levels were in the normal range of over 10 (they were 11) but a low normal. Now my doctor is thinking that it will help give me the extra I need to make my lining thick & "fluffy" & be the right environment for implantation.

We have considered going to a fertility specialist just to exhaust all other possibilities. But not knowing how insurance will cover it & not having a fully-funded health savings account right now is probably going to delay it a bit. Plus, we really want to see if this new plan will work.

To add to all this, this weekend marks 1 year since our 2nd loss. That one was also just as quite as this last one.

And the biggest dread of all -- the month of December is approaching.

December is tough for 3 reasons. First, Dec. 21 is the due date of our first loss, which of course means that we could be having a one year old. It's totally different now to start thinking of how old each one could be by now. Second, Dec. 3rd is the due date of our third loss. That one has probably been the hardest one because that's the one we saw. We got to see it's tiny heartbeat. And we thought everything was ok. **Again, I'm so sorry this is depressing. But I just want to get this off my chest.** Third, December will mark 2 years since I got off birth control pills. I never thought then that 2 years later we would be where we are now.

So I'm gonna need all the prayers I can get for that month. I've always loved December with Christmas approaching. But at this time the month is something I don't look forward to anymore.

I know there's probably concern out there for me & Jeremy. We're as good as we can be. What did help this time was that we made a very last minute decision to go out of town to see a friend run his first marathon. We literally started talking about it & left all in the span of an hour. And we had friends who were nice enough to keep Kaylee & Keira while we were away. But the time away gave us a chance to just be with friends & know that it's ok to still laugh. And we had a blast making awesome posters & cheering for him & other runners & blasting "Eye of the Tiger" from our car. I would absolutely recommend couples do a small getaway when going through a loss.

But as I've said time & time again, it's only by the grace of God that I can get out of bed everyday, that I can still laugh & have fun, that I can not grow bitter & angry, & that I can still manage to write a blog post about it.

So yes, I am back & ready to dive back into the blogging world.